Musings on my daughter's roots

I was born by the mediterranean sea, where the land carries the echoes of peoples long gone. The Romans, the Greeks, the celto-liguric tribes and peoples further back in time, who sailed the seas and traded, shaping what later became Europe.

The Mont Ste. Victoire near Aix-en-Provence, where we lived

For the first few years in this life my eyes perceived the world in a special shining light. The bright sun of Provence warmed my skin. The ground was dry and my feet toddled over pebbles, the air I breathed was full of spices.

I grew up in the North of Germany, where the soil is dark and moist, the land is flat and the horizon is low. Where buzzards fly in a leaden sky and the Goddess lives in moors and heather. There I watched my mother and I learned to love the Earth. I learned about the cycles of planting and growth, of harvesting and rest. I learned how to build and tend to a woodfire.

In spring the white skin of birch tree maidens shines bright, planted in pairs following straight trackways across the great Northern Plains, their hair of fresh green leafes dancing in the wind. In summer cattle graze on deep green meadows, growing fat, crops grow high and flowers are colourful and abundant. Ancient stones have stood there for millennia, like watchers following the change of the seasons and of ages.

One of seven neolithic tombs, called the Seven Stone Houses, in the heather not far from where my Mum lives

Standing Stones also watch the land of Brittany. My father's people are the people of the West and every year I went to connect to this part of my heritage. There I heard the ancestors call me, the Celts and the neolithic people, whisper stories to my ear, of sea lore and earth lore, the hidden meaning of the symbols carved into the stone. I heard the mermaids sing and the selkies cry. Marie Morgane stirred the seasalt within the blood that runs in my veins and told me stories of the world below the tides.

I walked among stones aligned and womb-like tombs, built from stone and earth. I walked the coast of grey granit in the rain and watched the green-grey sea, sea spray clinging to my skin and hair, rugged rocks and stormy skies, royal sunsets and misty veils. I swam and played in the waves, found treasures on the beach, watched the sea pinks nod their little heads on the cliffs and I listened.

I listened to the music in the wind and stories of the seagulls.

My mother's folk came from the heartland of Germany, crossing artificial borders and stretching into slavic lands and Baltic countries. This is a land that has seen many uproars and wars, where peoples fought and killed other peoples, where blood has deeply soaked the earth and cultures and kingdomes came and went.
It is hard to feel secure and safe where nothing is constant, because what is built is quickly unrooted and torn down again. The only thing lasting there is the land itself, which carries memories of all. Plains and fields interchange with hills and deep forests, land and sky meet directly and for ever the living energy of creation and destruction flows between the two, extending out into and nurturing the whole of Europe.


I have been blessed to have been able to do a little bit of travelling, dipping into the flow and the scent of other cultures on other continents.

I have marvelled at the speed and sound and colours and at the stillness and the attention to purpose and detail of Japan, I have watched the mist hide the traces of the Native Americans' heritage between the trees in the woodland hills of Washington, USA, and I have felt the desert sands on my skin while ancient stone faces silently smiled down on me in Northern Africa. I have yet to explore the lakes and forests of the North, I am longing to see the Northern Lights and the Midnight Sun. But where I feel most at home is in Western Europe. I long to return to walk the lush green land of Avalon, to warm myself by the fireplace with a hot Whiskey again while outside the Irish rain comes lashing down, to walk again among the Stones in Brittany. I love my life in the Rhine Valley where the Goddesses Matrona guard the land and I love to return to my roots in the dark land of the Northern plains. But I miss the Sea. I hear the wind and the harps calling me, I smell the fires and I feel the Stones in my blood.

Snoqualmie Falls

Path up the Tor, Glastonbury

Hathor's Temple in Dendera

My Mum and I in Matrona's Temple in Nettersheim

The haven that is my Mum's garden in the North.

This is only my part of the whole picture. It is for my partner to tell his own story, if he wants to do that. So when our child is born, where will she feel is her home? Where has her soul come from? What will I teach her? Who will she be?

Blessing Ceremony before the Birth

Sunday morning I went to the river in silence. Breathing in through my yoni and out through my crown I connected to the Source, the Lady's energy that runs in the Earth. It was very misty and quiet with barely any runners. Calling in the Lady of Avalon and Bridie the Maiden Goddess I walked to a place where there is access to the water. There are always loads of seagulls there, ducks and often also some swans. There weren't any swans on Sunday morning, but the seagulls were sitting on the balustrade. They took flight when I approached and circled in the air, calling. It looked beautiful against the grey sky.

I called to Bridie then whose sacred day is the 2nd of February. She is the Fiery Arrow, the holder of the Triple Flame of Healing, Smithcraft and Poetry. She is the Maiden, who brings new beginnings, and also the midwife who helps the new into being. My due date is the 3rd of February, so I have from the beginning of my pregnancy felt that she is my baby's guardian, watching over me and over the pregnancy and that all is well.
As I stood there by the water in the mist, I felt the gates between the worlds were open. Especially above the water the mist was so thick I really couldn't see far, and I listened to the seagulls as they settled again. The ducks mostly slept.
I poured my libation of cow's milk into the water and asked Bridie for a gentle and joyful birth. I asked her to watch over me and my daughter and to keep us healthy. Then I dropped my dried rose petals, lavender blossoms and herbs into the river, asking Bridie to bless our new life as a family together with health, joy, love, understanding and abundance. I asked Her to be my daughters guardian goddess all her life. As I watched the stream carry my offerings away and the seagulls circle in the air I scried for my daughter.

When I heard a crow calling behind me I turned around and there was Morgen Thitis in Her crow form sitting on a lamp post, bearing witness to my ceremony and answering my prayer, letting me know that my daughter would be watched over all her life.

I love it when the world reveals its magic, and when you don't know where Thisworld ends and the Otherworld begins.

It was a beautiful, powerful ceremony. I thanked the Lady and walked home through my hometown. Then I had a very nice nurturing müsli for breakfast, sitting in my kitchen and watching the mist slowly slowly disappear through my window, until the sun came out.

Sacred Nights and Holle's Day

In Germany we celebrate the twelve Sacred Nights. The first night is the night of the Winter Solstice and then again the nights between the Mother's Night on the 24th of December up to the 6th of January, which is in some regions called Perchta's Night, in others Holle's Night or the Shining Night. In German these nights are called the Rauhnächte, which phonetically is the „harsh nights“, but it actually derives from Rauch – smoke and räuchern – to smudge, and they are called this because during these nights, we smudge every room of the flat or house every day, asking the Goddess to bless our home and all living there.
I have to admit the Winter Solstice passed for me without me barely paying notice. I was in some other place, being slightly obsessed with getting ready for the arrival of the little fairy and somehow felt I had to manifest and paint a baby changing unit before going home to the North for Christmas.

This is it. It's so pretty. This is where we will look after the little bean.

Christmas with my family was very quiet and wonderful. My poor Mum had a chemo treatment just the day before the Mother's Night and was absolutely low on energy during the holidays, which suited me fine, because so was I. I spent Christmas on the couch by the fire, reading and eating. Everybody loved my Lebkuchen and Christmas buiscuits, so that made me happy, we had some lovely food and I got some really fantastic gifts, including a car seat for the baby from my brothers and lots of sweet tiny baby stuff from my brother's partner. My eldest brother, my Mum and I spent one whole night on watching the first season of Downton Abbey together, which had been my gift for my brother, and we really enjoyed that.
I couldn't stay long in the North due to appointments with my midwives and finally the beginning of a new project in work. But I did manage to go to PolyTheae.V.'s celebration of Holle's Day at the Centre Helfensteine near Kassel!
I was really eager to go to and at least mark the end of the 12 Sacred Nights. The three days festival marked Holle's Night with a beautiful ceremony, storytelling, songs, workshops and talks. Due to difficulties with my car... yes, more difficulties... my friend Helga and I arrived late, but we did get there! It was organised by my sister priestess of Avalon Miriam and her organisation PolyThea e.V., and it was wonderful to see her again, and my friend Peti, both had been priestessing with me in the first German Goddess Conference in October 2009 and I hadn't seen both since the Avalon Goddess Conference in July 2010. Later in the evening my friend Simone arrived, again I hadn't seen her since the German Conference. There was hugs and sisterhood and laughter and it felt SO GOOD! But of course there were also loads of women there I hadn't met before and also some of the „bigger names“, and I was really curious what they were like. The energy all the way through the three days was lovely, everybody I met was really friendly, welcoming and in fact there was only one woman who came across a bit weird, but never mind. I felt really well there and felt I made lots of new friends, though I usually need a while before I feel comfortable around new people.
It was absolutely lovely to stand in circle again with sister priestesses and to call in, I was in the South so I called in the Water and though I wasn't involved in any other way in the festival, I loved to priestess, so thank you big time, Miriam, for asking me xxx
It was a really lovely time. Some of the workshops were wonderful, some I didn't like too much. We journeyed into the Underworld and took whatever we needed for the new solar year from the Hel's Cauldron. We journeyed into Arianrhod's spiral castle of Caer Sidi and into the Stillness and brought back visions for the coming months. We strengthened and blessed our visions through voicing, witnessing and laughter in the ancient rite of the Yule Boar. We danced and shared traditional Yule/Christmas cookies.

The feathered fan I made. My old one was broken some time ago and I never replaced it, so it's good, to have a wafter again to use for smudging.

Holle's Day this year was special in another way for my sister priestesses, because it was the day of our friend and teacher Kathy's masectomy. So we gathered outside on the land, called in the Wheel of Avalon and did a healing ceremony, reaching out to her across the land and through and the land, sending her our love and healing on the currents in the Air and in the Earth. I was glad to be able to do this with Miriam and Peti, and also glad to by doing this bring the special energy of Avalon into the Holle Festival, which is so important to me.

The grounds of the retreat house are beautiful. I didn't make it up the Helfensteine, but then I didn't sleep much and being 36 weeks pregnant I thought I can really leave this experience to the next time I'm there.
Another thing I enjoyed was how during the meals all the Mothers shared their stories of their own pregnancies and birthings with me, and how all the Lovers asked me to share about my experience of this pregnancy. Since we do not live in clans anymore and don't have frequent women's circles anymore, we are in danger of losing access to this wisdom. But I have never accepted going through this transition time on my own, but have always reached out to my sisters. Sharing and celebrating our moon cycles and life's initiations is part of our heritage as women. And it's wonderful to experience and fun to do!
I enjoyed being in the festival space a lot, and it was exciting and positive and great, but I was also quite happy when I was back home Saturday night. Time to rest now and let the vision take root. Even though the Sacred Nights are over, we are still in the Stillness and spend as much time as possible dreaming, hibernating and just being.

Birth Candles

This is the Birth Candle I made for the baby, the purple gems for the Lady's Blessings and the blue ones for her (my daughter's) element's blessings - she is a little mermaid.

And this is the Birth Candle I made for myself, the red symbolizing the blood, the life and the female power in birth.

I called in the Lady before I began working on the candles, annointed them, decorated them, charged them with prayers and blessed them, and then dedicated them to the Lady. They are now sitting on my altar where they'll remain until the perfect day comes.

In the Cauldron/In the Stillness

I am now in my 33rd week. I am not working at the moment because the start of the next project keeps being postponed, and I'm quite happy about it. I am incredibly heavy and big by now, and I want to sleep 18hrs per day. I am very short of breath, I'm too hot most of the time and the smallest activity has me end up covered in sweat... Also my digestion is completely messed up. The last few weeks havn't been easy.
My nephew sadly has died in late November. He was a charming young man, with a very lovely heart energy, suffering from mucoviscidosis since his birth. He was only 23 years old when his spirit returned to the Source, and his funeral was one of the saddest things I have ever experienced in my life.
I have spent the weeks since trying to figure out what needs to be done bureaucracy-wise in order to receive maternal allowance and parental support once the little fairy is here, and I am not even going to talk about how stupid the people are at the office and how illogical and unfair the system is. I think I am there now, so I refuse to waste another thought on this.
With really strong tummy pains and the return of my headaches it was quite a difficult time in the Cauldron for me though.
In order to not lose myself in the Cauldron I kept myself busy connecting to the changing energy of the Lady as the Wheel turns to Yule. I have spent three days making Lebkuchen and they turned out LOVELY and I have also made another birth candle. Now that the placenta has moved and my gynaecologist said there is no reason not to have a home birth, I am quite looking forward to giving birth. The first birth candle I made was a blessing candle for the little mermaid, and this one now is blood red to give me strength and empower me, and it is quite strong. Also I am woring on a painting of Sheilagh na Gig which should be finished soon. But I tire quickly and then I go to bed, because my wise mother-friends have all told me to go and have a nap when I'm tired as long as I still can, so I don't feel bad about it at all :-)
The baby is healthy and happy, dancing and swimming around in Her womb sea and I am moving into the Stillness, into the Dreamtime and into hibernation.

Winter begins: Dia de Muertos, Frida Kahlo and Paper Lanterns

Winter is coming and the world seems to be becoming quieter. I have finished my painting of Keridwen. She looks different than I thought She would, not scary but mischieveous. I am having not such a bad Samhain time this year. I feel cosey and looked after and dealing with diffulties when I can and then letting them go and just trying to accept them when I can't.
Last Saturday Mitja and I went into town to get some groceries and stumbled across an exhibition of Dia de Muertos and La Catrina, the mexican tradition of honouring the Dead by setting up colourful altars for them. I was delighted at the sights, the tables were decorated with paperflowers in shining colours, photographs, food, alcohol, skulls, skeletons, sugar skulls, skull candles, bone shaped cakes and loads more. They even had an altar to honour Frieda Kahlo there, which made me quite happy because I admire her. Besides all of the things mentioned above it was decorated with lots of little photographs and prints of her paintings. A mexican lady explained all the decorations to me, how the Day of the Dead is celebrated in Mexico, how the sugar skulls are given to children, how nobody touches the food on the altars, because their scent is food to the Dead (there was one chicken dish wich they served their Deceased with a sauce made from hot chilies and chocolate!) and also how important Frida Kahlo ist to the mexican people until today. I loved the colours and the vivid energy of the altars. Such a different way from our celebrations at Samhain, Allerseelen and Totensonntag.

The trees have nearly lost their leaves now. When I crossed the Rhine a few days ago, the Seven Mountains were hidden in the mist, the water soft blue and the sky white, blue and pink. It looked totally enchanted. It was very quiet also, because many people who usually walk their dogs and go jogging by the Rhine had stayed in, because it was so cold.

Two days ago while I was working, I suddenly heard a marching band outside. We all left our descs and went to the window, and there were children walking candle-lit paper laterns through the streets. Here in this catholic place they claim it has to do with St. Martin, they even have somebody in a wannabe Roman uniform on horse, rding ahead. But I think it's a pagan thing, come down to us from Samhain lighting lanterns in the darkening season and possibly from making lanterns from beets to either scare away hostile presences or to light the way home to benign ones.
When I cycled home later I saw that many houses and shops had hung out illuminated paper lanterns outside their windows and placed candles in their flowerpots. It looked so beautiful and so pagan.

I love how this is living folklore, autumn is over, winter is beginning, and soon the Wheel will turn towards Yule. I have made fruit bread and christmas buiscuits and Bratäpfel, and in town they are putting up the Christmas decorations.

Samhain Blessings

Samhain is one of the most important festivals in the year of the Goddess. It is celebrated on the night of the 31st October. This is a night out of time, where the veils between this world and the Otherworld are thin and the gates are open. It is a night out of time. The old year has died and the new one hasn't yet begun. It is a time where spirits can travel between the worlds and our ancestors are among us. I always put a candle in the window, so my ancestors find their way to me. Samhain is the beginning of winter, of the dark season, a time of introspection and it is the season of the Dark Mother, when the Goddess takes on Her face of Crone and Bringer of Death. In Avalon we honour Keridwen, Keeper of the Cauldron of Transformation. It is good time to realease old things, that no longer serve us or Her. In Her cauldron everything is transformed.

I went to a Samhain celebration in Bonn. Mitja was lovely enough to drive me there. It is so sweet of him. We went in silence through the darkness until we came to an old cemetary set inside some woods. People had lit candles on the tombs and it looked beautiful. I was afraid there might be teenangers somewhere on the cemetary drinking beer, it was Halloween after all, but we encountered nobody. We then cast the circle, called the Goddess, the elements and the ancestors to be with us. We then remembered the loved ones we have lost since last Samhain and remembered all the nameless Deceased who have died in war and in nature catastrophes in the last 12 months. And then we gave them a blessing on their journey and sang for them to help their souls find their way onwards. I think that is such a lovely thing to do, to say goodbye to the ones you love and set them free to go, and also to sing for the ones that nobody sang for.

This is what I like to sing for them:
Buzzard call you back to the wild land
Heron fly you home
Journey to the soul of your own land
Where the Mothers wait for your return
Heron fly you home
Carolyn Hillyer

I hope when I die one day, I'll have a huge family, which sits around my bed and that they will sing this for me to help me on my journey back to the Source.

We then lit more candles for the Souls and then left in silence.
Back home we honoured our ancestors. First we did a meditation journeying into a cave to meet the heritage of our ancestors, seeing what was theirs and not ours, what had been insignificant to them but was meaningful to us, leaving and offering and receiving a gift. We travelled to the land of our ancestors and I firstly wondered whether I should go to eastern Germany or to western France. I found myself on a rocky coastland with grey skies above, and neolithic tombs. I knew I was in the West, to the East lay the whole of the continent, which was all the land of my ancestors and to the West lay many islands, which were also the home of my anceszors. When I pondered the islands I felt the wind and heard some keys of a harp. Then the baby started hopping around madly in my belly and I felt "Is this where you came from?" Am I having a celtic baby? I realise that there is no question whether the land of my ancestors is either France or Germany. It is all Europe, I've known that before, but the link that helped me see and understand them as really connected as one in this meditation, were the standing stones. I have visited so many standing stones in Brittany and Western France and loved them so much, and it never seemed to be meaningful to me that the Lüneburger Heide and the Altmark, the areas that surround my mum's house where I grew up are the areas of Germany with the most remaining megalithic formations.
Then we journeyed through the elements acknowledging the parts of our heritage we were proud of and the ones that made us cry. It was very powerful.
After a delicious feast we closed the circle.

It was a beautiful ceremony, I was really happy to keep the focus on the ancestors. In Avalon I think we might probably have focused on releasing and rebirthing, and that is very powerful and important as well, but I miss doing ceremonies to honour the elements or in this case the ancestors, without hoping for something for myself. We do so many ceremonies where we want a special outcome, a healing experience, or something similar, I feel serving is also just tending the elements, honouring the ancestors, the Moon, the Sun, anything really with maybe moving the focus away from ourselves and back to the practice.
Having said that, a day before I had already done my own ceremony to honour Keridwen, and to release my old destructive patterns and ways of thinking into Her cauldron. I'd feel very rude if I didn't honour Her apropriately. Since my birthday is merely 8 days gone I consider Her to be my special guardian.

Come and taste of the cauldron's brew
Magic She will give to you
You will dance in the eye of the storm
You're Keridwen's children
The cauldron-born
(Damh the Bard)

Mitja found the coin in the fairy cake. I had made special pumpkin fairy cakes for the occasion and baked a coin into one. That is a very good omen for our family abundance in the coming year. I found it very hard to articulate an intention for the coming year, seeing as I have no idea how becoming a mother will change my life. So I have just planted the seed of love. My intention is to spread the love, love my family and myself. Then I brought Mitja some hot spiced apple juice and read my belly the chapter on Keridwen and Morgen La Fey in Luna Moon Hare. And then the sun set, the day of Samhain ended and the new year began. Blessings of Love and Growth to all, may this new year be the best yet.

Come with your depth and your ageless wisdom
Come with a cake and a warming brew
Carolyn Hillyer