The time is moving so quickly! I have had a very interesting time of Quickening with Bridie and of walking my truth with Skadi. When I had my Saturn Return I wanted to leave behind fear that causes me to make choices which don't support me on my own path to Truth and Happiness, but choices which seem to keep me safe, mostly following other people's fears and expectations. Having called in healing and liberation and change everyday I have at the same time tried to hold on to the same false security which suffocates me and takes my energy and makes me waste my time, living in fear, trying to fulfil expectations which don't nurture me. The fear to end up on the street and in poverty is so strong in me that I have never dared to be brave to live my dreams. And because all those plans which I try to follow to lead to safety and security never work out for me, because they were made by other people and for other people. They are like garments that just don't fit me.
So I struggle and I fail.
Goddess has such a strong way to draw attention to the things which aren't right for us. She has been telling me for six weeks to stop following somebody else's plan, and that I don't need a plan, that I just need to start living my life!
After a car accident, a break-in into the car I borrowed to use while the other car is at the garage, since repairing it seems to take forever, and investing a hell of an amount of money which I don't have I have now decided to give this job up. I have never so clearly experienced being kept from doing something (working at the school). I did enjoy it, but I'd rather get out before something worse happens to me.
So the message is clear. I am to believe in myself and to use the gifts I have been given, to listen to my own heart and to spend my life doing the things I love, instead of doubting myself and trying to be a person that I am not.
A huge and scary thing. I hope one day this prospect stops feeling scary, but natural.
So I love writing, painting, singing and the Goddess. I will do these things from now on without feeling guilty because they won't support me. I will do them because I feel half dead when I don't do them.
By the Rhine I did a ceremony today to let these old fears go and to be reborn, into my new life, to be reborn to truly be the woman and priestess I can be.
I ask for your blessings, Great Goddess, be with me on this path and help me. I feel deep gratitude for my partner and family who accept and love me the way I am. Bless my new life Lady, and let me be free!